I learned this week that accomplishing a fear is not always the most graceful and glorious feeling in the world. I randomly sang at the local open mic night with my good pal Carlena. We were awful. The pity claps were beyond obvious. I would like to say that I felt stronger and braver, but I felt more ungraceful in that moment than I ever have. We didn’t practice before hand… we sang with a drunk host. I didn’t feel reckless or young, and I think that is something I should feel more. I wish I didn’t always think the word “should” so much in my current season of life. Which by the way, is really awkward and hard for me. Waiting to leave for a dance program in San Francisco has been one of the hardest things for me mentally and physically. No one really warns you how weird it will be going from overworked caffeine infused college dance student high on life to summer break constant overthinking wishing I was somewhere else human. I am trying to be grateful for the “rest”, but I feel this guilt of not being able to enjoy myself on a break. I don’t think I am a workaholic, I think that I am a person who fears complacency. The happiest moments in my life are when I am working towards an accomplishment. It’s not even the accomplishment that I enjoy. I have no idea where any of my medals or plaques are. I am addicted to the feeling of getting closer to something day by day. As I am writing this, I am realizing how foolish this sounds. There is so much to work for every day. It’s just not a very clear trail/path for me right now. The trail is overgrown with weeds, and its hard to even find the next step. Thank God for natural instincts. Hopefully that will kick in, and I will somehow find myself on the trail marked out for me.
The picture of the sky is just something I love. Recently all of my pictures have been either of the fog or the setting sun through the clouds.